Up First - Iowa

It's finally 2008 and just in time for our first presidential primary, er caucus, Iowa. So lets get to the rules - pay attention.

If you're a Republican it's fairly simple - you gather up all your friends, go to the designated coffeehouse, tavern, private home, etc; and prepare to listen to speeches. After you've been swayed, or not, you write down the name of your candidate on a piece of paper, stuff it in a ballot box and you're done! Its up to the Iowa state Republican party to count and accurately tally up the percentages for each candidate. C'mon we all know that Republicans can count votes. Didn't the GOP prove that in 2000?!

Now what happens if your guy wins? (sorry no women in the GOP caucus) Actually, not much. Unlike the Dems, the GOP winner in Iowa doesn't necessarily go on to New Hampshire and the nomination. In fact, Pat Robertson won the Iowa caucuses in 1988 beating out Bush Sr. That doesn't mean that Huckabee can't ride his folksy humor all the way to Pennsylvania Avenue or that Mitt can't parlay his millions into the Presidency. It simply meants that absent a "Yee-Haw" scene all of the viable GOP pols are still in the race. So take heart Rudy and John fans. Its far from over. Regardless of the sensationalistic spin that Wolf and team will pronounce on CNN or whatever death dirge Britt, Bill and company chant on Fox its just the beginning for the Grand Ol' Party. Stay tuned.

To the late (I mean that figuratively) Fred Thompson go back to TV. Law and Order is due for another spin-off and you were great on the original. Stick to it. Campaigning isn't your thing. For all you Ron Paul fans - nice try but pick someone who has a chance. If you don't know what else to do with your money, my buddy has a nice condo in Miami he's looking to offload.

If you're a Democrat - get out your rulebooks (all 70 some pages)! Make sure that Hillary or Barack/Oprah have lined up babysitting for you and have properly shoveled the driveway. Its time to caucus! Really, you don't need the rulebook. Remember 7th grade? It's sort of like that. You cram too many people into a small space and then listen to amateur orators harangue you into believing that their candidate is the best. Here's my favorite part - then you go to that section of the room where the other cool kids are hanging out to signify that you believe in your/their candidate. No secret ballot. No real voting - good ol' peer pressure - just like junior high. And you wondered why all those 19 year old "Deaniacs" folded four years ago. They couldn't take the pressure! Seriously, did you think that anyone could publicly support the socialist governor of Vermont to be President? C'mon John Kerry couldn't excite that many people to "vote" for him if his life depended on it. You knew something else happened.

Now what happens if your person wins? Hmm, if you're Hillary and victorious then the pundits will crow abour Barack's inexperience and the sobering opinions of those sensible Iowans. On to New Hampshire and Victory! Maybe. If you're Barack then its Camelot for a new generation and who cares about the Granite State. It's on to South Carolina and Victory! Maybe. If you're John Edwards you have to win the Corn Crib State. Hillary will win NH if she wins Iowa. Barack will win SC if he wins Iowa, you have to win something. Last stand at Cedar Rapids! Definitely.

Now what about AYO (all you others)? Go home. Now. Please. Don't wait for somebody to call you for the second slot either. Bill Richardson has been Ambassador to the UN; Talked that crazy North Korean out of going postal ; He's Hispanic. He's on the ticket. The rest of you go back to the Senate where you belong. Kucinich go back to Cleveland and keep the river from catching fire. Challenge Mike Gravel to a pay-per-view World's Angriest Man contest but quit running for President!

Well thats the view from the Heartland. Next up - New Hampshire.